Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
