6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
