he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
