just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
