oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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