So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize