sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
