When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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