Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
