At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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