were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
