Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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