last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
