Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Your dad touched me again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
