He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
