Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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