If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
