I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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