my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
