Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
