It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
