last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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