you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
birth control should be required to get into college
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
