So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
