You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
