Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
