Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
