The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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