I think I died a long time ago.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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