I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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