Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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