Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
