1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Already got asked if we're dating
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
