Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize