I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
