I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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