Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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