dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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