So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
