Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
