you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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