I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
