My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
