took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I intend to get homeless drunk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
