my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
