How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
