Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just found a bag of teeth...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
When are your genitals available?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
