see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
