He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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