What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
