Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
