Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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