I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Two words: nipple clamps
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