Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
