Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
