I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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