I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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