I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
