Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
