im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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