Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
