you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
